PERFUME,SHOES, AND MADNESS

Aunt Rene loved to shop. No one loved to shop with her however. After a harrowing ride to her favorite shopping center, she'd "park" so close to other cars that I always had to squeeze out the passenger door...having learned that she was never open to any suggestions about anything...especially driving or parking. One gorgeous afternoon when I really wanted to be on the beach, I was instead following her around  Burdine's like a puppy. At one point she motioned for me to come over to a counter...where she spun around and sprayed me with a perfume tester. She let out a very loud "AHH TEE" as I squirmed away and she kept trying to get me again. I remember going into one of the Ft Lauderdale bars that night...showing off my bronze tan and still faintly smelling like Lily of the Valley.

We hit the shoe department next, sat down in the very crowded area, and Aunt Rene told me how pretty I smelled. It didn't take her long to drive the saleslady crazy..pointing, squawking and trying on crazy looking shoes. When the woman sitting beside us took off her shoe in order to try something on, Aunt Rene quickly picked up the woman's own shoe when the poor soul was walking towards a mirror. I immediately tried to tell her that the shoe belonged to the woman....and Aunt Rene just ignored me and not only put the woman's shoe on, but damn if it didn't fit just right. By then I was beside myself with trying to explain what she was trying to do....while her only response to me was to ask  if I liked it as she pranced around looking for the mate. When the woman noticed Aunt Rene with her shoe...she sorta smiled as she corrected Aunt Rene's mistake. Of course Aunt Rene didn't have her hearing aid...and kept smiling at the woman....so happy that she too liked the shoe. It was only when she started to become impatient that the polite lady's attitude changed. "These are MY shoes!"......was met with "Go ahead and take them then...let's get out of here". I tried to explain her mistake as we hurried off to K Mart, but all Aunt Rene said was that she'd seen them first.

The K Mart in Hallandale Florida is not for the faint hearted. It was about a thousand degrees in the store....and it was K Mart Days or something as Aunt Rene loaded up her cart with all kinds of crap. She loved cheap windchimes, stuffed animals, lotions and potions, and pinwheels. The checkout lines were hopeless, but we stood there and waited our turn while Aunt Rene went on and on about the shoes. After the not so friendly salesgirl rang us up Aunt Rene was shocked at the total. " I don't have that kind of money !" Once again I wished I could just slither away as though I'd never seen Aunt Rene before in my life.

What happened instead was that she began very reluctantly to push things aside ...one by one...with a reluctant "you can keep this...you can keep that". The next person in line looked as if he might actually strangle Aunt Rene (you know Florida), and I'm sure the girl at the register absolutely hated old women from that day on.

By the time we tore down her street, finally on our way home, her mood seemed to improve as she waved out the window and shouted hello to people. However when I said in an unusually loud voice " watch out for that dog"...she yelled "Oh shut up". Maybe I was in a bad mood by then too. Between the shoe battle, the K Mart fiasco, the treacherous drive and the heat...I guess it was understandable...I slumped down in my seat and wondered what I'd tell her the next time she wanted to go shopping. I also was coming to understand my Mother's prayers when they were in the car together.