Thus the die was cast, with my silent cousin sitting at his desk...frozen
in time...(actually his classroom was originally used as a storage
room...underground except for three small windows near the ceiling ). It was a
perfect backdrop for Sister Evarista, a place off to itself where she could rule
with her huge iron fist, and it was also directly underneath Sister Alberta's
room where my fate would soon be decided.
We prayed a lot in Catholic school. Once when we arrived, before and
after recess, before and after lunch, and before we were dismissed. One of the
first proclamations made was that we would begin to pray for the one among us
who would be first to die. On that cheery note, Sister Alberta told us in her
most solemn tone that the most important thing for us to do was to have a
notebook ready at all times. This would be used to record important thoughts
that she would impart to us at various times during the day, Now we might be in
the middle of singing "Sweet Betsy from Pike" while Sister strummed the
Autoharp, when she would say..."Take out your notebooks....write this down.."
In a trance like state she once said..." When a nun dies...her feet look like
wax". With that, we'd continue singing, most of us,,,but some of us would
laugh.
Therein was the core of a catastrophic situation. I had unfortunately made
a shady impression on Sister Alberta before I had even stepped into the
classroom and it was downhill from then on.
I left seventh grade with the Sally Field-like Sister Marie Elise, whom
I loved, appointing me the captain of the Patrol Boys for the upcoming year.
Very early into the first week of school, Sister Alberta said "get out your
notebooks and write this down......We'll SEE about the captain." Fortunately
for me sometimes Sister had bigger fish to fry. Jane Burd sat near the front of
the classroom, and her asthma would act up when she laughed...and while a lot of
us would be getting little cracks with Sisters ruler..(just little
reminders),,,Jane would start to wheeze. Sister Alberta would then spin around
and say.." Who's that hissing like a serpent?"
Jane would then simply hold her breath and turn red until Sister
relented.
Another little wisp of a boy quickly became indispensable to Sister
Alberta. Donald Witfeld weighed about 90 pounds and was absolutely terrified of
Sister. She relegated the task of opening and closing the classroom door to
Donald...sat him in the first row, and kept him incredibly busy opening and
closing the door. Both Sister Alberta and Sister Evarista were very big
nuns...in full habit of course, and consequently always hot. Out of the blue
Sister would bellow " OPEN THE DOOR WITFELD ! " and Donald would leap to his
feet....perhaps three minutes later... " CLOSE THE DOOR WITFELD ! " This went
on constantly, Donald Witfeld was on duty and very busy from 8 until 3.
With barely a week under our belts, the first real disaster struck. Paul
Shennos gave a correct answer about Saint Lucy's eyeballs being gouged out (
Sister loved tales like that ) and we were all told to applaud. So thirty-nine
of us clapped..and someone booed. Sister Alberta threw her LIVES OF THE SAINTS
onto her desk and demanded that the booer identify themselves at once. You could
have heard a pin drop...but nary a sound from anyone. We were quickly herded
into a long line...marched one by one up to the front of the classroom where we
stood and pronounced the following oath. " I CAN LOOK AT THE CRUCIFIX
SISTER AND SAY I DID NOT BOO". ( math, geography, history be damned...this was
more important). After Carol Krane took her last much anticipated oath
(negative), the gauntlet was thrown and Sister Mary Alberta declared war on this
pack of incorrigible thirteen year old liars. Guess who emerged as the God
-mocking leader of the opposition....? PART THE THIRD
NEXT THURSDAY. AMEN
