Well I guess it's time that we all start to prepare for our next president...Rick Santorum. After his near win in Iowa yesterday, I've decided to re-think my own life, and prepare for a whole new world. My partner and I will of course end out thirty year relationship, which President Santorum will of course condemn. We all know that he compares homosexuality to pedophilia and beastiality, and we're both too old to be dragged through a Sandusky-like trial procedure. Mr Future president also said recently that he'd be prepared to invalidate all same sex marriages that have already been legalized. I know one lesbian couple who might present a problem for the next president's secret service...because they're both pretty tough cookies, and they spent a lot of money on the D.J. for their wedding reception last summer. All gay pride events will of course be canceled, rainbows forbidden, and no-one but Mr. Michelle Bachman would be allowed to flaunt any gay characteristics on TV. No more WILL AND GRACE reruns, no ELLEN show, but Mother Angelica and all TV evangelists who are not in prison would be given prime time slots.
Now dear straight readers, you will have your own adjustments to make. President Santorum does not accept ANY form of birth control. The president himself has 10 or 15 children ( not sure about this), and therefore has had sex (heterosexual) about once a year. With the central focus of traditional marriage being procreation...forget those sexy CIALIS ads, and if the moment is right....it better be right for a pregnancy too...get those outdoor bathtub scenes right out of your head.
Our new president will also be planning to make all abortions illegal. Women will of course continue to have them, and all the back alley doctors who will discreetly crank up their practices might actually help the economy. Mr President will undoubtedly see life as beginning with a fertilized egg...so any couples interested in In vitro procedures will be flirting with prison sentences for murder. It seems logical also that anyone who has an abortion, has had one in the past, or has been an "accomplice" to one will be guilty of homicide...and presumably sentenced to death or a lengthy prison term.
Recently, Ricky (oops...Mr Santorum) made some weird comments about welfare....that he doesn't think white people ought to be paying for black people via Welfare...but that was probably just a musing by Rick since there are far more white folks on Welfare than black folks...but maybe he even has a few new amazing theories about that. Better wait until he's sworn in.
Lastly, as we prepare for some major lifestyle changes with a brand spanking new President, we'd best prepare ourselves for the next invasion of a country that hasn't done anything to us...but might. Back to that "preemptive" war stuff that we learned all to well about with Iraq. Mr Santorum has made it clear that he's ready to bomb Iran's nuclear sights. ( sometimes "pro-life" ) is misunderstood...eggs are people...and "collateral damage" is ...is...not people. Huh?
All in all...I'm planning to leave my partner, encourage our 14 year old neighbor who was raped on New Years Eve to have her baby, marry a woman and have 20 or 30 kids, get a couple of guns, smile when they take away my long time disabled black friend's food stamps, and prepare to send by 18 year old nephew to a new war in Iran. HAIL TO THE CHIEF !!!!!!!
Let us not forget that there would be benefits to a Santorum administration. Unemployment will plummet because, if you recall, Rick believes that there should be no such thing as a two-working-parent family. So, there will be plenty of jobs available since one parent in each family will be returning to the home full time. Also, parents can have the benefit of sending their children to whatever school they like, such as a cyberschool, but have a district in which they don't reside pay for that school. I suggest they try it first with the Penn Hills District. I hear there’s a precedent set by our want-a-be president.
ReplyDeleteSomeone has been doing their homework!
ReplyDeleteNo. It's just that someone has a long memory for short-sighted politicians.
ReplyDeleteI will never prepare for Santorum for president. We didn't want him in PA, and it is up to us to educate the rest of the country (except the uneducated in Iowa) about him. I lived in Penn Hills when he sent his kids to schools outside the district and Penn Hills had to pay. He is a do as I say, not as I do man, including his wife's abortion. He is a liar, thief, and he is as dishonest as they come.
ReplyDeleteThis is the 18 year old nephew! And I love my uncle and his blogs, but not as much as I do the idea of fighting a war in Iran at the hands of president Rick! Great stuff dearest uncle.
ReplyDelete