SISTER MARY ALBERTA C.D.P. PART 8

The big day finally arrived. Mother Kenneth's visit was brief to say the least, I think she must have told her driver to keep the car running. I don't remember her saying anything, just sort of breezing in and then departing. Sister Alberta was obviously disappointed that Mother didn't even notice the shiny doorknobs or the spotless floor. As Donald held his beloved door open for Mother Kenneth I heard Ray say something like " that's it? ". Sister Alberta then went into a discussion about how cleanliness is next to Godliness, which was followed by yet another prize-winning tidbit to write in our notebooks. "There are certain parts of the body that should be touched for cleaning purposes only". I think that was about the extent of our sex education for the year.

Now it's important to note that we really did experience things like the Pagan Baby fund drives. On Ash Wednesday as we all walked around with our black smudges on our foreheads, we were treated to learning some wonderful Lenten songs, a favorite of mine being " I see my Jesus Crucified "....."those cruel nails I drove them in, each I pierced him with my sin....that thorny crown,t'was I who wove, when I despised his gracious love". All the older nuns were into that S and M stuff, as Sister Alberta cranked up her doomsday forecast for people who were already on the path to the fires below. She opened all the old wounds...like the taffy apple debacle, the young wolf who had threatened our lives, along with the elusive man with a knife. She admonished the laughers about mocking God, and did a whole number about the deadly sin of gluttony while she stared at Paul who was spreading his homemade elderberry jam on his croissant. She passed out our little tin banks with a picture of Jesus sweating blood in the Garden of Olives, and encouraged anyone who was hoping to graduate to start filling that sucker up pronto. I'm sure it was Ray who asked her when the babies would actually be delivered to the school. Sometimes her response to him had lately consisted of just a shove...just like she did every morning to the trembling Sister Lucy.

As the pall of Lent was gradually lifted and we began to approach the month of May, all of the attention began to focus on our May altar. For you non-catholics (pagans, publics, etc. ) That was an altar decorated with a statue of Mary and surrounded by flowers that we'd all bring to school. Every classroom had one, and there was some fierce competion between the nuns to have the most spectacular May altar. Sister Alberta became a real Nazi when we started construction...Donald was entrusted to buy blue and white crepe paper at the hardware store, and we were all encouraged to start raping the landscape for flowers and "decorative greens". We began practicing Marian hymns, dropped any pretense of academics, and moved furniture around to created a suitable display that would be over the top as far as May altars go.

We took a break one day to vote for some awards that were part of the eighth grade experience. Donald Whitfeld was a shoe-in for the American Legion award, since there was no one in the Diocese of Pittsburgh who could hold a candle to him when it came to opening and closing a door. The show of hands was impressive, and Donald won the coveted award. Next Sister Alberta announced that we would vote for "most popular" student. This took us off guard of course, but people started raising their hands and according to the nomination rules would say "Sister Alberta I nominate so and so" and Sister would write that name on the board. After about three such nominations, I think it was Eugene who raised his hand and nominated yours truly. Sister slammed her hand down on her desk immediately and shouted " ILLEGAL". That struck even the non-laughers as both shocking and very funny. Thus I experienced the actual reality of my chances for fame...as long as Sister Alberta was running the elections.